We often say that a vehicle’s grille and headlights are the first impression it gives off, but the truth is that the name is the true first impression. It’s often the first thing you will know about a vehicle, so a name should really mean something or give off a certain vibe. In other words, it should give you an idea what the vehicle is all about.
However, some vehicles have names that make me question if they’re about anything at all — or I just don’t want to know anything further about them. Naked? Titan Dump? I’ll pass. Here are some of the car names that I find the most embarrassing, repulsive, and overall unfortunate.
What Goes Into a Car Name?
I already had an idea of the car names I truly despised going into this project, but I scoured Reddit and a few other car forums to see how many other people were distraught over certain car names to make sure I wasn’t alone in my despair. Then, I decided to research how the vehicles got these names just to see if it made it somehow make sense to call a car a Dictator or Wingle. In most cases, it didn’t help. At all.
Daihatsu Naked
I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but who really wants to tell people they are driving a naked car around? The Daihatsu Naked got its name because it was focused on having a bare bones design that exposed things like its panels and door handles, so I get the logic — and I even like its appearance.
But do you think I’m going to go around saying, “The best asset of the Daihatsu Naked is its reliability,” or even “The Daihatsu Naked looks perfect.” I feel like I’d be put on some type of list.
Studebaker Dictator
Let’s just say there’s a reason Studebaker changed the name of this car almost immediately to the Commander. The Studebaker Dictator came out in the 1930s, and the carmaker proudly touted that it “dictated the standards” of a cost-effective vehicle at that time.
I mean, it’s definitely clever. But then a certain dictator rose to prominence in the late 1930s who took away the whimsy of that wordplay almost immediately.
Mazda Titan Dump
This seems like a car name that would make middle school boys laugh about all day. I can picture them even raising their hand and then answering “Titan Dump” instead of the real answer during a lesson, landing them in detention. And okay, I get it — it definitely is a bit funny.
However, do I think it’s a good car name? No. I think there could have been a better name floating around that wasn’t such a big stinker.
Ford Probe
This car is proof that the name truly does matter, maybe even more than the vehicle’s actual performance. The Ford Probe is now remembered as a sporty car with a pretty good performance and design — Hagerty even called the design “revolutionary,” comparing its steering, suspension, and brake system to modern cars.
However, when the US branch of Ford called this vehicle the Probe in the 1990s, European countries were still a bit too stuffy to look beyond this suggestive name. Inspiring flashbacks to doctor appointments or uncomfortable encounters, UK publications started mocking the name before the Probe could even dip its toes (tires?) in the overseas market. Ford withdrew the car from Europe after four years of underwhelming sales compared to its other models.
Mazda LaPuta
What’d you just call me??
Mitsubishi Minica Lettuce
I believe they called this car Lettuce because it’s just as flavorless and boring as a lettuce leaf, but I could be wrong. Okay, no, there’s actually an even worse reason, according to Mitsubishi’s own quote to Car Styling Magazine in the 80s: “After Parsley comes the Lettuce. A pet name designed to attract lady shoppers, it is in fact the name of a shopping information magazine published by Seiyu Co., a member of the Seibu Saison Group, Seiyu Co. is selling the Minica Lettuce model through its nationwide retail network.”
Scion xD
This Scion is stuck in the early 2000s with side-swept bangs, heavy black eyeliner, high-angled MySpace photos, and rawring at dinosaurs. If you’re lost, the “xD” face was used by millennials back in 2006 as a laughing face before emojis became more popular. I will admit that I proudly still use this face in texts — but if you do, just be prepared to be laughed at by Zoomers.
The “xD” in Scion is actually for a pretty dull reason, used as a model-specific identifier, like the Scion xA. There’s no hidden meaning behind it, but I choose to believe that the Scion xD is listening to Silverstein and Hawthorne Heights religiously.
Great Wall Wingle
This compact Chinese pickup has a very unfortunate name that doesn’t translate to English very well. Even worse, however, is that the Wingle doesn’t even have a straightforward meaning back in China. Multiple places have tried to make sense of the strange name, including Donut Media, and it could mean horse, or it could mean wind, or it could mean eagle. I’d say make up your mind, but honestly, it’s better than what I thought it meant.
Proton Putra
The Proton Putrid, I mean Putra, actually means “son” or “prince” in Malay. That makes sense, since Proton is a Malaysian carmaker. In fact, in that context, it actually is a pretty good name. Unfortunately, the rest of the world may not think of royalty as the first reaction to hearing this car name.
The Proton Putra was sort of putrid after all. It didn’t sell very well due to its very bland looks and meh performance.
Renault Le Car
Here’s how this would go in my mind:
Random Person: Hey, what kind of car do you drive?
Me: I drive the Le Car.
Random Person: Right, but what type of car?
Me: The Le Car.
Random Person: Okay… Are you gatekeeping the car or something? Why can’t I know what type of car it is?
Me: What? I never said that.
Random Person: It’s fine, I’ll stick to my LaPuta instead.
Me: Wait, what did you call me?
Ferrari LaFerrari
What kind of pretentious… In Italian, this car name means “Ferrari The Ferrari,” which isn’t even any better. Ferrari explained that the LaFerrari is called the Ferrari because it’s meant to represent the definitive Ferrari, the pinnacle of all Ferrari.
The Ferrari LaFerrari is a hypercar that was revealed in 2013, the fastest Ferrari ever made at the time, thanks to a powerful V12 engine. Only 500 were made, and they sold for around $2 million. The car is now worth around $4-5 million.
Smart #1
This one really gets me angry. The name “Smart One” or “Smart Number One” is already quite terrible to say to anyone, but the name is apparently even worse in reality. The marketing department behind this car has said it’s actually “Smart Hashtag One.”
You will never in a million years hear me say this out loud.
Li Shi Guang Ming Detroit Fish
The North American International Auto Show in 2021 featured three bizarro vehicles from Chinese automaker Li Shi Guang that appear a bit toy-like with ridiculously whimsical names to match. One of them was the Detroit Fish, which is allegedly amphibious and features wide, goldfish-like eyes and tiny, useless fins on the side.
What really confuses me, however, is the “Detroit” part. Based on a report by the Orlando Sentinel, it seems that Li Shi Guang really pictured these vehicles as being innovative and useful for American streets. I can safely say that this sounds delusional, as much as I like the idea of a guppy-looking creature driving downtown.
Mazda Secret Hideout
A big, chunky, unsightly, bright yellow vehicle called Secret Hideout… Something isn’t adding up. It’s likely due to the fact that this is a massive eyesore that can’t be missed.
Focused on a younger audience (did they really claim they wanted something like this?), this concept car was meant to be fun and whimsical, a retreat of sorts. I cannot figure out for the life of me who would want to drive the Secret Hideout along the coast as a way to relax, but I guess.
Ford Freestyle
Hey, fellow kids! This lame SUV has no reason to be called “Freestyle” when it’s just a straightforward, by-the-books SUV with nothing special or stand-out about it. In fact, even Ford CEO Alan Mulally begged the Ford team to give the “F” names a break, changing it to the Ford Taurus X.
The “X” after Ford Taurus was another undeserved name, however. It’s another name that sounds a bit edgy or interesting for a vehicle that truly has nothing memorable about it.
Nissan Teatro for Dayz
Alright, gotta add this one in as well — another try-hard name meant to appeal to younger drivers despite it being absolutely wack. Adding a “Z” to the end of something doesn’t automatically make it cool. In fact, it makes it even more lame.
In a press release about the Teatro for Dayz, Nissan had the nerve to say: “Toss out preconceived notions regarding vehicles.” Guys, it’s just another chunky, ugly microvan-type thing. Relax. But Nissan went on to say that this was apparently a vehicle that would appeal to new drivers. What?! Alright, guys. Whatever you say.
Ford Flex
This is a massive, boxy SUV that has been drinking protein shakes with creatine, hogging the bench for hours while only lifting a few reps every 30 minutes or so, and then staring at himself in the mirror. Get it, FLEX? As a CrossFit addict, that’s the kind of annoying person this name brings to mind.
In reality, the Ford Flex got its name as a sort of shortened version of “flexibility and versatility.” Not too sure what was so flexible about this big chunky thing, but Ford did offer a “Flex Buy” financing program back in 2009 that allowed interested buyers to pay every month. So that could be the “flexibility” they speak of.
BMW X5 xDrive35d
This is like trying to tell your friends you’re watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit or some other show with a super long, needlessly annoying acronym. I cannot really imagine saying, “Yeah, I drive the BMW X5 xDrive35d.” It would sound like I’m saying some secret code to activate an explosive or something.
The reason for this exhausting name? BMW is the car brand, X5 is the model series, xDrive is a nod to the all-wheel drive system, 35 is the engine variant, and “d” is for being diesel. Was that last part even necessary? Honestly, BMW, get some creativity! Or do you want to add a few more numbers in there for the speeds, seat numbers, and whatever else?
Pontiac Le Mans
Really Pontiac? Really? By the 1970s, the Pontiac Le Mans was known as a family car that was comfortable, practical, and spacious. That’s all fine and dandy, but what does that have to do with Le Mans?
Should we call the Cybertruck the Tesla Formula 1 Monaco Grand Prix while we’re at it? I mean, why not?
Ford Escort
Another Ford, another bad name. It’s beginning to seem like a bit of a trend here. Like the Probe, this is another unfortunate name that makes me think of a lonely guy scrolling Craigslist in the hope of finding companionship.
Looking at the Ford Escort, I’m not even sure why it has this name in the first place. I could forgive it if it were a big SUV that could lug around a bunch of people, but this compact car doesn’t seem like something that would escort people around at all. Couldn’t you wait to give this name to a more deserving vehicle? Or just not use it ever?
What Car Names Do You Hate?
While I may cringe at some of these names (and some even cause me true physical pain), you may enjoy them — and if you do, no judgement! If you like a good Probe, I totally understand. Sort of.
These are all my opinions, and it’s all just in good fun! If you like these car names, that’s great — someone has to! Feel free to tell me why I’m wrong! And if you have some to add, I’d love to hear it. I love a good rant!